Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
