Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
