Someone shit on the floor
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
