Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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