It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
