guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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