So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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