Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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