She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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