I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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