i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
