I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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