My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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