I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
porn star boner night. come get it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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