I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
