dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
