I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
