george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
