My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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