Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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