If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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