i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Green mimosas i think yes
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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