1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
