I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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