Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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