Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
