i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
