im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
