I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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