Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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