I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
