I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
