I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
