I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
