I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
