I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
