im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
