There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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