I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
