Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
