and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
