Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
