Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize