Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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