Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Drunk is not a location!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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