My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
