I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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