Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
