FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
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