I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
