Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
