I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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