Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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