did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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