I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I have demons in me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
