I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
