Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
