don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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