Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
