Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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