The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
