Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
