can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize