why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you traded sex for a burrito?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
